If you’re dating over 40, you come to the dating scene with a lot of experience from your past loves and relationships. Sometimes that experience can work in your favor—you know what you want and are better at identifying when things are and aren’t working. Other times, however, your experience can work against you. Here are 5 things many people dating over 40 may be doing wrong.

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1. Talking too much about your ex/exes
Let’s face it, if you’re over 40 and single, chances are you’ve already been in several relationships, if not a marriage or two. One of the first questions that usually gets asked after you meet someone is, “So, why are you still single?”

So, of course, you start talking about your ex or exes and how they were horrible, or how they cheated on you, which conjures up any number of bad memories, and suddenly you realize that you’ve spent your first date looking back instead of forward. You chatted aimlessly about the people you’re no longer with instead of trying to get to know the person right in front of you.

It’s normal to be curious about someone’s past, and I’m sure you’ll come across a date who will want to know more about your history. My advice is to spend minimal time talking about past lovers on your first date and spend more time finding out about the person you’re with. Telling someone how badly you were treated in the past might make them think there’s something more to the story you’re telling. For example, if you tell your date that you constantly got into fights with your ex, they might feel that the same thing could happen between the two of you. Or if you were cheated on, it may enter your date’s mind that there’s a reason for the cheating, and suddenly they’ll wonder about your compatibility, your state of mind, and any number of things.

Your past is past. Focus on the present situation and your current date.

2. Making the wrong fashion statement
Ladies: Did we forget what the word “lady” means?! I recently went out with a few friends for a drink. While in the bathroom, I overheard this woman who had to be in her late 40s talking to her friends about how she looks better than most 20-year-olds. I admit she looked good, meaning she was physically fit and had a pretty face, but she was wearing a mini-mini skirt with a cut-off shirt, and her breasts were virtually hanging out. Listen, I get it. You want to look sexy and feel young, but don’t give away the farm! How about just a nice, short skirt and a little cleavage? Let’s leave something to the imagination. Trust me, the guy will be able to see if you have a nice figure or not. Also, when it comes to perfume, why is it the older some women get, the more they put on? Try just spritzing on a nice, clean, mellow scent so the guy doesn’t choke to death. You don’t need to smell like you just bathed in it.

Men: It shouldn’t be that difficult for you to get dressed, but I see bad examples every day. You throw on a shirt with a pair of pants and shoes and you think you’re ready to head out the door. But take a good look at the button-down shirt you’re wearing—is it clean and properly pressed? Why go out in a wrinkled shirt and express your lack of know-how with an iron and board? Also, leave the ripped jeans at home until a second or third date. And I know sneakers are a big deal to a lot of you, but again, wait for a couple of dates before you sport your designer Nikes. Gentlemen, wearing a baseball cap on your first date is a fashion and personal faux pas, unless, of course, you are at a baseball game. If you’re doing this to hide your thinning hair or baldness, why not let your date see the real you from the start? Don’t be embarrassed, be proud of who you are! As with women and their perfume, don’t use the whole bottle of cologne on a first date—in fact, don’t do it ever.

3. Drinking to excess
I know the first date can be a little nerve-wracking, no matter what age. Believe it or not, I hear more stories about people in their 40s drinking a little too much on the first date than any other age bracket. I think it may be due to tension and nervousness, and the fact that maybe you’re just sick and tired of dating. First off, we all have to keep DUIs and safety in mind. Second, you’re old enough to know what happens when you drink a little too much. You may say something, or worse, do something you’ll regret in the morning. All I am saying is, pace yourself and be smart. Save the shots for another time.

4. Too eager or too indifferent
I think one of two things happen to us mentally when we date in our 40s. We either start to feel desperate, or we start developing an, “I’m fine on my own!” attitude. The desperate people who are dating over 40 and want to be married may come on a little too strong, or be so overly willing to please that they scare off their potential mates. Then we have those who think, “If it happens, it happens,” and won’t put honest effort into the date. Their dates are made to feel like these people don’t honestly care for them, and the lack of emotions indicate, if incorrectly, that settling down isn’t in their future. Egos really play a part here, and if there’s too much of it, the date can turn south quickly.

So just try to be the person in the middle. Don’t play the excited puppy dog, but don’t be the disinterested lazy cat lounging on the couch either.

5. Jumping in the sack too soon
I hear from many older women and men, “I’m an adult and I know what I’m doing!” Of course you do. I understand that you’re tired of being alone, and that you can use a good night of ardent, passionate, loving sex. I’m not questioning the fact that you’re an adult—I’m questioning whether you absolutely need to jump in the sack right away.

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Sex more often than not means seeing one another naked. That is a huge step for two people who have just met. Real intimacy requires comfort and trust in one another, and it’s really hard to get those things after a two-hour dinner, or drinks at a bar. Try to get to know each other a little better. I think if you have sex too soon, it can interfere with getting to know the real person. Lust has a way of making us forget everything else, and that includes personal feelings.

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Try to keep the date PG-rated, okay? Yes, we are all adults, but that also means we should have a level of maturity that allows us to hold out for a while and not succumb to carnal desires just yet.

As we get older, we tend to overthink the dating process since we have a larger frame of reference than a 25-year-old. If we remember to relax and be ourselves while keeping in mind the advice above, I’m sure good things will follow.

To read more of Tonia’s work and learn about her upcoming memoir, visit toniadecosimo.com or follower her on Twitter at @ToniaDeCosimo.

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Let’s be blunt: dating at 40 isn’t the same as dating at 20. But not for the reasons you might think. It’s not because you’re older, pickier, or that the dating pool has shrunk. The dating pool is the same; and as for your age, well, you’re just a bit older and way more impatient. Nobody blames you for that. At 40, the trick to having a bullshit-free dating experiences is simple: change your mindset, attitude, and approach.

Read these straight-up tips about dating when you’re 40 and single to approach things the right way:

1. Stop caring so much.
Easier said than done, obviously. But there’s truth to this whole not-caring thing. Good things come to those who have even better things to care about. Now you might be thinking, “What’s more important than finding love?” That’s where your thinking is wrong.

If your biggest care in life is finding love, that means your biggest priority isn’t YOU. People who have active, satisfying lives are the most inspiring and attractive people. But if you’re always in self-pity mode, sulking around and hating your singleness, you’re not going to attract positive people.

People you’ve just met don’t like feeling responsible to renew your faith in dating. You’re not an empty vessel who needs to be rescued; so take care of yourself first! When you’re 40 and single, focus on being fabulously 40 and single. This mindset will empower you to date with more confidence.

2. Create and attract positive energy.
Positive people attract each other—and yes, The Law of Attraction is real. Newsflash to any skeptics or anti-spiritualists out there, the Law of Attraction really is a LAW—like actually, it’s quantum physics!

But let’s not bore you with the nerdy details and keep it simple: Brain imaging studies prove that when we feel someone’s amazing energy, our brain mirrors those feelings, “as though you are actually doing these things,” says Award-winning Neuroscientist, Srinivasan Pillay in Huffington Post.

No wonder we’re naturally drawn to positive people. We all want to feel that positive energy, especially from others. So ditch any sourness or pessimism you may have about dating at 40. It’ll only turn people away.

3. Avoid one night stands.
Sure, one night stands can be hot. But are they hot enough to sacrifice a meaningful relationship? Some singles believe that they can have it all: relish the thrills of one-nighters and still keep their hopes open for something deeper. There’s only one problem with this logic…

Again, we’ll revisit The Law of Attraction. You get what you put out. So if you’re indulging in meaningless sex, you shut down your relationship-attracting energy. You’re not genuinely practicing the lifestyle of someone who values love, making you more unlikely to find it.

4. Believe actions, not words.
Age-old and foolproof, the rule of seeking actions over words never gets stale. Just because you’re 40, the singles don’t magically get designated with a maturity badge or a diploma in honesty.

So stay sharp when you date and don’t take people’s words so seriously. They might claim to want a serious, meaningful relationship, but how do you know? They might even dazzle you with tales of their noble integrity or sob stories about how their ex hurt them. Maybe they seem super sincere when they say they’re looking for the one. Take it with a grain of salt, and wait and see if their actions match up to their words.

5. Don’t air your dirty dating laundry.
Everyone has dating problems. Don’t advertise yours. When you’re dating, set the negativity aside and put your best self forward.

No matter how bad the baggage may be, don’t talk about it. Or imagine how you’d feel, listening to someone air their dirty laundry. Do you want to hear about how their dad’s in jail or that their landlord is a psycho? These stories don’t make your life seem more interesting; they make you seem unstable.

Even minor stuff, like why you hate your ex, should be off limits. These stories suck the energy out of the date.

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6. Avoid Mr. or Miss player on dating apps.
Sifting through the nonsense is easy. You just need to turn up your jerk radar and make better choices. Tons of people, both men and women, complain about using dating apps at 40. But usually, it’s not the apps— it’s your judgement that needs a little work. You’re just not seeing the signs.

The clearest signs that someone may be a player are revealed in the first five minutes of chatting. Here’s a big one: if they say they’re only casually looking to date, believe them. You won’t magically change their mind. Here’s another sign: if they’re overly flirty or worse, ask for sexy pics. Just delete these people. Unless they’re asking you thoughtful questions about your career, values and interests, forget them.

Stop cutting people so much slack. Don’t ever think that you need to dole out more chances because you might regret losing out on potential. There’s no potential with these clowns and you’re not desperate enough to flush away your time finding out. Instead, look at the truth right in front of you. It’ll bring you closer to finding what you desire.

7. Make your dating goals clear.
Always make sure the person you’re dating knows your dating goals. There’s a myth that it’s more attractive to act cool and pretend you’re not looking for anything serious. Apparently, admitting to wanting something more could be a turnoff. What the heck?

That’s like walking into a clinic and not telling your doctor what you’re feeling because you’re worried he’ll feel too much pressure to cure you. It’s the same twisted logic. If someone is truly interested in something special, they won’t get turned off from knowing you want the same. Anyone who does has commitment issues. You don’t need to these dysfunctional narcissists in your life. Let their therapist deal with them.

Dating at 40 isn’t that different from dating at any other age. The only difference is that you’ve got more experience, better taste and hopefully, a lower tolerance for bullshit. You already know what you deserve. Act on it.

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